I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
