You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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