shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
