Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She's the barista slut.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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