grandma shit on top of the toilet
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
As shirtless as possible
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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