it was like his penis was on wheels.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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