I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
