so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
