we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
