I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
