I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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