Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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