I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
