yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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