Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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