Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
