Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
