My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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