all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
