she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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