We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
