By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
