The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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