cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
