Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
