im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
