Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
