**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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