Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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