I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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