It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
