two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
