Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize