this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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