Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
