I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
