I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
