just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
love makes seman taste better
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
