Where is the hickey?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Randomize
