I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
