I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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