my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
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