I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
