I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
