i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
