I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
My bed smells like the plague
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
