My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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