This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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