I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
