You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
