I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
