FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
