the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
