3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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