then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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