I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
