So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
